


Crying In Your Popcorn Just Makes Things Salty

by FaintingInCoils



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Background Relationships, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-28
Updated: 2017-06-28
Packaged: 2018-11-20 07:52:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,309
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11331573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FaintingInCoils/pseuds/FaintingInCoils
Summary: Taako snags three numbers in one night.  Magnus has a cry.  Merle is too old for this shit.





	Crying In Your Popcorn Just Makes Things Salty

**Author's Note:**

> Based on a random Tumblr prompt.
> 
> I work at a movie theatre and I'm cleaning up after the movie is over and you're the only person left because you're ugly crying with popcorn in your lap.

There are a lot of sucky situations that Taako is prepared to handle: bad hair day; cooking oil fire; catching kids sneaking into an R-rated movie; getting out-vogued at the bar when an ultra-hottie’s in the crowd watching. This, however, is not one of those situations.

This is a full-grown man--a massive, musclebound man with the most ridiculously luxuriant sideburns Taako has seen in his entire life--sitting alone in a theatre, post-credits, crying. And not just a few little sniffles and some tears, either. These are the sort of huge, gasping-for-air sobs that Taako is unfortunately familiar with, but which you don’t usually see out in public, and the guy is trying to fight them with one sad, shitty little movie theatre napkin like that could possibly work. Surprise: it can’t.

Taako immediately feels two directly conflicting impulses: ignore this dude and clean around him so he doesn’t have to get involved, or make sure he’s, y’know, okay, so he can get him out of here and finish doing his job in peace. The first is tempting, but the latter is what a good person would do, and more importantly, it’s what his manager would probably expect of him. Lucrezia’s a no-nonsense boss, but she’s got a soft heart like that sometimes.

After another moment’s hesitation Taako sighs and approaches Tall, Strong and Weepy. “Hey. Are you, uh, okay there, my dude?” Taako says, reaching out to grasp his shoulder and stopping at the last second, honestly a little surprised at himself. He’s not usually the touchy-feely type, especially with strangers.

The guy startles and the popcorn perched on his lap starts to tip over. Taako moves his hand further down and catches the tub with the sort of catlike concession-related reflexes working at a movie theatre for three years will instill in a person. “Sorry,” the guy says with a wince, and scrubs at his face with his napkin again. It gives up the ghost this time and shreds in half. A fleck of it sticks itself just under his left eyelid and even though it’s only been like half a second it’s already driving Taako crazy. “Sorry. Let me just, uh-- Let me get out of your way. I know you have a job to do. Sorry.”

Taako waves him off, feeling bad for this pathetic but polite sad sack despite himself. “It’s fine, take your time. You’ve got at least fifteen minutes before I finish up in here. Use it to pull your shit together, huh?” He’s coming across a little harsher than he intended, but there’s nothing to be done about that. “I don’t know what’s up, but if you wanna vent to a stranger, feel free. And get it all out there if it’ll help. Your issues are safe with me, ‘cause I’m only going to be paying, like, twenty percent attention, at best.”

This gets a laugh out of the guy. “Thanks,” he says. He wipes his eyes with a fist this time, and god, that piece of napkin is still there, how can this dude stand it? “My name’s Magnus, by the way. Magnus Burnsides.”

It’s either the fakest surname in the history of the world, or the universe has a very strange and specific sense of humor it’s chosen to embody in one man. “You know, you don’t have to give your name out to every stranger you come across, but thanks, I guess.”

Magnus shrugs. “It only seems fair, since your name’s embroidered on your vest,” he says. Then, with a raised eyebrow, he adds “By hand, in metallic thread.” For half a second Taako has time to worry that he’s going to be given grief about it, but then: “My girlfriend would love it.” And then widened eyes and more sobs, very suddenly. Like a downpour out of the blue, and Taako has no idea what just happened here.

“Did your girlfriend dump you?” Taako asks, sweeping a stray candy wrapper into his dustpan. “Or die in a tragic accident?” They’re dangerous questions, sure, but with the guy reacting like this to the mere mention of his girlfriend it’s got to be something good.

“What?” Magnus asks between sobs. His eyebrows furrow and he sniffs way more daintily than you’d expect from looking at him. “No. Nothing like that. She’s just overseas. She’s been gone for three weeks, and she won’t be back for another two months, and I miss her so much.”

“And this wave of fondness-induced loneliness struck you at the end of--” Taako wracks his brain, trying to remember what was showing where. “A mediocre movie about dogs?” 

“Yeah. We want a dog, but we’re stuck in another year and a half of lease at a place that’s no pets, so now I miss Jules and I really want a dog even more than I already did. Which was a lot.”

And okay, Taako defo has no idea how to handle this. Because he wants to just laugh, but this poor guy is obviously already having A Bad Night, and Taako isn’t that cruel. Not to strangers who seem like good people, at least. Or at least, not all the time. But what is he supposed to say to this? ‘Your girlfriend will be back in no time, and maybe you can sneak a hamster past your office manager’?

Actually, yeah. Maybe so. “Sucks to be you, friend,” Taako says. “How about a pet stick bug? Noiseless, no dander, hard to spot…”

Magnus snorts and shakes his head. “A stick bug?” he repeats incredulously. “That’s not a--” He stops himself, tilts his head slightly to the side, then smiles. “Actually, that’d be pretty funny. I’m a carpenter, so…”

Taako tries to cut off the giggle rising up in his chest, and in the process makes it sound more like a hiccup, which is hardly any better. “See? Perfect, as long as your better half doesn’t faint at the sight of it.”

“Jules is fine around bugs,” Magnus says, then frowns. “How do you know that I’m not the better half?

“Well, she’s the one off travelling the world, and you’re the one sitting in an empty theatre with a case of the sniffles and like half a napkin stuck to your face.” Because no way can Taako handle that little fact any longer. He’s amazed he’s shown even this much restraint, honestly. 

“Fair enough,” Magnus says, scrubbing his face with both hands. “She’s better than I’ll ever deserve, that’s for sure, but I’ll keep trying. Did I get it?”

“Yes, thank fuck. So, you feeling any better now? Are you safe to be alone?” Taako asks.

“I’m not going to do anything drastic, if that’s what you’re asking,” Magnus replies.

“No. Well, I mean. Good. But what I mean is… I’m asking if you wanna hang out after I’m done with work.” And there Taako goes again, surprising both Magnus and himself. What even is he doing tonight. What is his mouth. What is his brain.

“Really? I mean, sure? What are we going to do?” Magnus sounds as baffled as Taako feels, which is both gratifying and insulting, somehow.

“You've got three options,” Taako says, ticking each one off on his fingers. “One is to go to a bar where you play my wingman while I see which of two potential Tall Dark and Handsome fellas finally go for my bait--Hug-Bear or Bone-Daddy, as I’ve dubbed them, because I am amazing with names like that.” Lup actually came up with Hug-Bear, but Magnus doesn’t need to know that, and Lup doesn’t deserve any favors right now. After all, if she hadn’t abandoned him to go on her honeymoon right when his flirting game was really in its groove, she’d be his wingman.

“Two is to set up camp in the nearest Denny’s, Waffle House, or IHOP--your choice, my dude--and stuff our face with pancakes until I beg for death or run into the kitchen to trash talk the cook and test the staff on their knowledge of diner lingo.” Taako continues, shoving aside all thoughts of his sister other than ‘I have to text her about this.’ 

“And three?” Magnus asks.

“Three is we go to my shitty apartment, you tell me more about your M.I.A. future-wife while I whip up something for dinner, and we MST3K our way through awful B-flicks until we pass out.”

Magnus still hasn’t made up his mind by the time Taako finishes up with work, so they wing it. They go to Taako’s place so he can change into something a little less ‘movie theatre chic,’ leave their cars there, and take a cab to the bar. Taako gets both the phone numbers he was gunning for--Klaarg and Kravitz, they’re going to be right next to each other in his phone and isn’t that just an awkward mess waiting to happen--and refuses to give Magnus any of the credit. 

“But I was your wingman!” Magnus insists as they stumble into a Waffle House a few blocks from the bar. It is exactly as rundown and horrible as every Waffle House Taako has ever been to, which is comforting in its own way. It means the food will probably be just the sort of amazingly good trash he’s craving so hard right now.

“You were not, my man. You spent eighty-five percent of your time talking to the tattooed couple at the bar,” Taako replies with a glare. It’s not as forceful as he was hoping, but that’s not his fault. Sour Apple Puckers does something to his eyes, keeps them from squinting like they should. How is he supposed to glare if he can’t squint?

“Well, yeah. Carey and Killian were super cool. We’re all having brunch next Sunday, don’t forget. But I’d already helped you get both phone numbers by then!”

Taako throws a double handful of sugar packets at Magnus’s face, can’t even begin to count how many of them actually hit, and waves the comment off. “I danced my ass off to get those boys to look at me. You perched yourself at the bar and gave me a thumbs up, when you were supposed to be out there grinding with me so they’d see what they were missing. So no, you do not get credit for the hottie numbers. But you do get to tell your girlfriend you’ve acquired a matched set of lesbians and a platonic gay lifemate but not a dog. She’s going to be, like… so proud.”

It’s just a thing he says, but they spend the next hour and a half talking about Julia and Lup, and by the end of it Taako realizes he’s right. Julia will be so proud, and so will Lup, Pan save him. But later, not now. 

Now they’re going to go home. Except that when Taako opens his mouth to give the cabbie his address Merle’s spills out instead, and he doesn’t realize it until he and Magnus are already out of the cab and standing on the front porch. He just goes with it and rings the bell in the best rendition of “No Shoes, No Shirt, No Problems” he can manage. Merle’s hair is braided and piled on top of his head in a loose bun when he answers, and he does not look particularly happy. Neither of these facts is unusual.

“Taako, what is this? It’s four in the morning,” Merle says. “We were sleeping, which is what old men like me do on Saturday nights.” He’s waving Taako and Magnus inside while he nags, though, so they’re probably fine.

“This is Magnus. We’re crashing here,” Taako says, giving Merle what he hopes is his most winning grin and fluttering his eyelashes. “I’ll make brunch to make it up to you. Or lunch. Just give me access to your couch and leave me there until I claw my way out of an early grave in the morning.”

Merle sighs and points towards the living room. Taako takes off at full speed, only crashing into one or three walls along the way. Behind him he’s pretty sure he hears an apology and some introductions, but he’s out like a light literally the moment he makes contact with a squishy flat surface.

When Taako wakes up it’s light out. There’s a glass of water and a dose of aspirin on the coffee table in front of him. Magnus is sprawled out next to him on the sleeper couch, sawing logs, and the clock on Merle’s god-damned VC-fucking-R is showing 11:37 in obnoxious green numbers. 

Taako’s pouring out batter for the first cinnamon-apple pancake when he realizes that Merle must have had the couch already folded out and ready when he showed up in the middle of the night. Probably Lup had warned him that he was out on the town without ‘proper supervision.’ Which is a little insulting, but whatever; it’s still nice to know his people have his back.

He’s still grinning like an idiot three pancakes later when Magnus comes into the kitchen, a woman who can only be Julia calling “Hello, Taako!” and laughing brightly on his cell’s speakerphone. Merle and his mountain goat fuzzy-slippers shuffle in the moment after the first strip of bacon hits the pan. 

Davenport strolls in a few moments later, looking way more awake than anyone else in the room, and goes about making Merle his coffee. “I don’t know what song you were aiming for earlier, but I told Merle I think it’s something by Kenny Chesney?” he says as he passes by the stove.

“Got it one, my man,” Taako says, shooting him finger guns and a smile.

He’d never admit it, but it’s sort of the best weekend Taako’s had in a while.


End file.
